Tomorrow, I will buy a six pack of light beer two hours before noon and I will place it on the coffee table and wait until four hours and forty five minutes after noon and I will reach out my hand grasp the warm aluminum and press down on the top and I will wait until five hours after noon to lift it to my lips and pretend that it tastes like still summer evenings with you even as the dust of my blinds is drifting down to the cold concrete of my efficiency apartment, my efficiency apartment that isn’t efficient after all because the hot water feels like salt water and leaves a residue on the only fork I haven’t lost down the garbage disposal that reeks of rotten potatoes and copy paper because I jammed the printer you left in the garage with aid forms because I couldn’t remember if I spelled my name with a C or a K because you always spelled it with a C or maybe it was a K and I would glare at you from across the room and you would laugh and say that maybe I should lighten up maybe if I lighten up luck would tunnel its way between my ribs and choke my stomach resulting in a dramatic instance of projectile vomiting and I would be free to start over again and again and then you would stop and realize what you’d said too late as I ran to the toilet and expelled your words into an alphabet soup of stomach acid and you’d knock on the door and you’d apologize without saying the words you’d apologize with foreign tongues and eventually I’d open the door slowly like they do in the movies and you’d carry me to bed whispering that I should really learn to lighten up not because I would be happier but because you would be happier and surely I wouldn’t want to make you unhappy, would I?

On second thought, then, I will buy a six pack of regular beer, I will buy two six packs of regular beer, tonight, and I will punch out the words because it’s healthier they say it’s healthier to punch your pillow than to punch yourself.

Level 1
() Smoked A Cigarette
() Smoked A Cigar
(X) Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex

SO FAR: 1

Level 2
(X) Are / Been In Love
(X) dumped someone
() Shoplifted
() Been Fired
() Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 3

Level 4
(X) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(X) Skipped Class
() Slept With A Co-worker
(X) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 6

Level 5
(X) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends
() Been To Paris <--almost!
()Been To Spain
(X) Been On A Plane
(X) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 9

Level 6
() Snowboarding
() Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook
(X) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 10

Level 7
(X) Been In An Abusive Relationship
(X) Taken Pain Killers (Tylenol counts)
(X) Love/loved Someone Who You Cant Have
(X) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(X) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 15

Level 8
() Had A Tea Party
(X) Flown A Kite (UNFORTUNATELY)
(X) Built A Sand Castle
() Gone mudding
(X) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 18

Level 9
(X) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(X) Gone Sledding
(X) Cheated While Playing A Game
(X) Been Lonely
(X) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 23

Level 10
(X) Watched The Sun Set
() Felt An Earthquake
() Killed A Snake

SO FAR: 24

Level 11
(X) Been Tickled
(X) Been Robbed / Vandalized
() Been cheated on
(X) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 27

Level 12
(X) Won A Contest
() Been Suspended From School
(X) Had Detention
(X) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 30

Level 13
(X) Had / Have Braces
() Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Danced in the moonlight

SO FAR: 32

Level 14
(X) Hated The Way You Look
(X) Witnessed A Crime
() Pole Danced
(X) Questioned Your Heart
(X) Been obsessed with post-it-notes

SO FAR: 36

Level 15
(X) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(X) Been Lost
(X) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(X) Swam In The Ocean
(X) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 41

Level 16
(X) Cried Yourself To Sleep
(X) Played Cops And Robbers
(X) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins

SO FAR: 46

Level 17
(X) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(X) Made Prank Phone Calls
() Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(X) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 49

Level 18
(X) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(X) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise With Someone You Care/Cared About
(X) Blown Bubbles
(X) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or anywhere

SO FAR: 53

Level 19
() Crashed A Party
(X) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
() Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(X) Had A Wish Come True
() Been Humped By A Monkey

SO FAR: 55

Level 20
(X) Worn Pearls
(X) Jumped Off A Bridge
(X) Screamed "Penis" or "Vagina"
() Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 58

Level 22

(X) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/ice Cube
(X) Kicked A Fish
(X) Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(X) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 64

Level 23

(X) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(X) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(X) Talked On The Phone For More Than 6 Hours
(X) Recently stayed Up for a while talking to someone you care about

SO FAR: 68

Level 24

(X) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(X) Climbed A Tree
(X) Had/Been In A Tree House
(X) Been scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 72

Level 25
(X) Believed In Ghosts
() Have had More Then 30 Pairs Of Shoes
() Gone Streaking
(X) Visited Jail

SO FAR: 74

Level 26
(X) Played Chicken
() Been Pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(X) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(X) Broken A Bone
(X) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 78

Level 27
() Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later
() Made A Porn Video
(X) Caught A Butterfly
(X) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(X) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 81

Level 28

(X) Mooned/Flashed Someone
(X) Had Someone Moon/Flash You
() Cheated On A Test
(X) Forgotten Someone's Name
(X) French Braided Someones Hair
() Gone Skinny Dipping
(X) Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(X) Tried to hurt yourself

SO FAR: 87

Level 29
(X) Rode A Roller Coaster
() Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling
(X) Had A Cavity
(X) Black-Mailed Someone
(X) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 91

Level 31
(X) Been Used
(X) Fell Going Up The Stairs
() Licked A Cat
(X) Bitten Someone
(X) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 95

Level 32
() Been shot at/or at gunpoint
(X) Got five dollars or less worth of gas
() Flattened someones tires
(X) Rode in a car/truck until the gas light came on

TOTAL: 97

Repost this with the title:
I've done __97_ out of the 122 stupidest things

If I could show you what I see, you may understand that what I see has nothing to do with sight at all.  It has nothing to do with the eye, of perception.  No, what I see comes from within, from a soul inflamed with a solitude...a solitude of utter beauty.  Do you see what I mean?  I am not lonely...it's that I simply prefer to be alone, sometimes.  I am most alone on the street, walking amongst strangers, my thoughts in a constant state of oscillation.  I hope, then, you will understand that I do not hate your company; in fact, I welcome it, sometimes.  But...if you see what I see, what I feel that I see, you might want to be alone, too.
How do I start?  I don't know.  I don't know how to properly explain to you just what this person locked in a ridged form feels when the wind whispers through the grooves of my pores, bristling over the miniscule hairs on my face and arms.  I don't know if I can tell you how my feet bounce on the sidewalk, how my head moves in slow motion taking in the world in gentle waves.  I don't know if I can tell you just how I feel when the sidewalk sparkles up towards me, singing melodies of tinkering bells.  I see so many things when I am alone in a crowd.  I see faces, yes, I see relationships, I see people within people, strangers withing strangers, but I also see how lampposts extend around themselves, desperate to spread the innermost inexactitudes of light.  I don't know if I can tell you just how my heart dissolves in my ribcage when I see the crisp dying leaves of autumn sharply contrasted with the deep utterness of the blue sky.  I don't know if you'll understand the way my brain wants to explode out of my skull or drip out of my eyesockets or steam out of my nostrils when I see a chainlink fence overlooking the city, framing it this way and that way and forcing me to understand the complexities of humanity in tiny increments.  This is what I see: I see exhaust billowing like the smoke from a dying fire next to a sleeping dog on a campsite.  I see, you see, I SEE but I do not see for I cannot see except with the burning sensation that streams through my veins, like a drug once loved but now despised for its grip on sanity.  I don't know if you'll understand that when I see you walking on the street, I do not see you, I feel you, I feel your self conscious ineptitudes and I know that you are fearful of it all, too.  

What do you fear?  Do you fear what I fear?  I fear so many things, but above all of them is the fear that one day I will walk on the street and not notice these things, or that if I notice them they will be merely objects to me, things to use and misuse instead of things to fully encompass myself in.  Don't you see?  This environment is not a seperate, tangible entity, but a thousand intangible souls locked inside a non-human form.  They are not alive, but my soul births them into beings, beings that represent the inflamed soul within me. Do you see?  Do you understand?  I know you don't, I know you don't see how the dips of concrete dip into my temples, or how the slope of steps leading into your apartment climb up into my lungs, crying, screaming, laughing at my inability to stop, to stop all of this, to stop this desire to be alone.  

It's a drug.  It is.  I know that it is.  It is a drug that I cannot live without.  I will shut you out not because I do not like you, for truly you understand that I love you more than anything and I need you more than I need this, but that I have to trust you.  I have to trust that you will trust me, I have to trust that you will wait patiently because I cannot give up this dream, this way of living, for you.  I am here.  I am here and I am alone and I must be alone for if I cannot be alone I cannot function.  I hope you understand.  I love you.  I do.  But please, I cannot sacrifice this for you.  So I must trust you.  And I do trust you.  And hopefully, hopefully that is enough.

What else I do not know I do not know anything I love words I love you word I love the way your word creeps around your body I love the way you think I love the way you think your word

BUT I WILL NOT WRITE ABOUT LOVE

For if I write about love I will write about him and I do not write about him he was something different he was not love but my brain my brain thinks that he was and oh God, why can't I let him go?  I do not love him but maybe I did at one point BUT I CANNOT THINK ABOUT HIM for I worry that I have led him into a bad place, a place where things are so dark and so empty unlike the loneliness I feel when I wish it to be so I wonder if he ever stops if he ever stops to think about what he has done with his life or if he has thought of me does he think of me?  I hope that he doesn't because if he does that means tha tI hurt him and I do not wish to hurt him

WHO AM I TALKING ABOUT

I am talking about him and him too because they are one and the same, the difference between what I needed and what I wanted or what I had and what I could not have and I needed a middle ground you were my middle ground are you my middle ground?  He was too old, too set in his ways, too decided on what his life would hold and I was candy I was the cultured wife I was the mother he was the boy and he could not handle me, he could not handle my need to be alone he could not handle my need to create my desire to hold onto a word and cherish it with the love for a newborn child.  I think you might understand what I am saying here for he did not give me my space and I needed that I needed that space more than I needed him because although I needed him at one point I did not need him in the end because he had become dependent on me and that it why I cannot have children, for he was the child I abandoned and I hurt, I hurt knowing that I hurt this poor naive boy and that he may still be hurting is he still hurting I hope he has moved on I hope he has found friends and he doesn't have to think about me anymore for I am not worth thinking about I am a dream a dream within a dream that's what I told the other one I'd hoped he would understand that although he was beautiful and although I loved him fiercly I could not have him for I knew I would be lost, then, I would be lost and I would not be able to pick myself up agian.  We swung round and round in an empty parking garage and I told him that he was something, really something and he took that and he ran with it just as the night we ran in the wind my skirt flew up and I know what he saw and I know what he thought and I wondered if he thought I could move more if he thought he could get me into his bed and I knew his intentions and I knew he loved me and I did love him but in the way in which I knew I could not love him for much longer for he interfered he interfered with  me and I could not fathom keeping up that face that face of understanding because I can only understand nothing and the night we took a walk in the rain and the fog drifted off the grass and I wanted more than anything to lie with him and kiss  him and I will not lie to you I cannot lie to you because I am saying now that I wished I could have him I wished I could talk about all these dreamlike ideas and talk about philosophy and talk about the art of lyrical writing but you you must understand that I did not need that in a lover and although I wanted that in a friend I could not handle it, I could not handle his friendship knowing that he wanted something more, knowing that he was the "hopeless romantic" he claimed to be, knowning that I would never be able to give him what he wanted.  I knew that I would take it from him and it was not mine to take.  So I left it. And he hurt.  He was angry, so angry with me, and it pained me to think of how our friendship ended because it was so beautiful we sat on the edge of a building for hours and I wore a short dress the dress you said was too short and I know why you thought it was too short, you didn't want the world to see me you didn't want them to know and snatch me away but you have to understand you MUST understand that I will not be snatched becauase I am me, and I love you, don't you see?  I loved him as something I could not have, and I loved you as something I wanted but felt I could not have but here we are and you love me I see it in your eyes as I climb into your car and suddenly, somehow, all of the past games I've played mean nothing when compared to the life I have with you.